What’s your deal, “Aquaman?” What’re you up to? Do you know you’re a bad movie and you’re leaning into it, or are you a bad movie by accident? I kept going back and forth between the two while I watched you, and even now I’m not sure.
You are definitely not a good movie. Not even close. You are drowning in cliches (chosen one, hybrid walking in two worlds, rightful king, missing relic, eco-villain who kinda has a point, reluctant hero who’s eventually brought around by plucky female sidekick) and sloppy logic (the army of Atlantis is a homicidal war machine but then it’s a noble force for good at like the drop of a hat, why does Patrick Wilson keep Willem Dafoe around if he knows he’s a traitor and how the hell did he find out, where did that portal come from and why is it only one way, why didn’t Patrick Wilson send some dudes to kill Aquaman years ago, how did it take the Atlanteans years to find a woman who was “hiding” on a freaking beach right next to the ocean she ran away from, how did they manage to get over a laser cannon wall they just said was impossible to get over, etc)…
… Sorry, that got a little out of hand.
The point is, “Aquaman” is objectively not good writing, but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t in it the entire way and kind of enjoying myself. Because despite its cliches, and shrugging story logic, it’s briskly paced and there’s a great action scene in every act, a feat accomplished with embarrassing rarity. It’s entertaining, damn it, and that counts for a lot.
There’s something else special here too: a kind of gonzo fearlessness that made a lot of 80s genre films special but has been sadly absent lately (for proof, look at the original “Robocop,” then look at the remake). The mantra for James Wan and his team seems to have been “why the hell not.” “Aquaman” features all of the following…
-An octopus drum solo
-Giant sea horses that… wait for it… neigh. Because they’re horses. Get it?
-Patrick Wilson in some kind of crab mask yelling “Call me Ocean Master!”
-Shark cavalry.
-A talking crab that goes all “Braveheart” at the end.
-A hip-hop cover of “Africa” by Toto that plays while Aquaman emerges slow-mo from the ocean.
-A villain in a big bug mask who yells “Call me Black Manta!”
-He also riffs on “Jaws” when he says “I’m gonna need a bigger… helmet.”
-A fish-guy who sticks his head in a toilet and breathes toilet water.
-The dorkiest bad guy outfits since “Power Rangers.” Seriously, this stuff makes Storm Troopers look svelte.
At several points, I laughed out loud or said “oh come on” quietly to myself. I wish the whole movie had committed to this tone, but sadly “Aquaman” keeps paddling to safer waters, never quite becoming the goofball fever dream it so badly wants to be. At least they let their hair down a little bit, that’s more than most movies do, and I appreciated it. “Aquaman” is not great, but it’s surprisingly hard not to love.