(HEADS UP: Some sexually explicit stuff in the opening paragraph.)
There’s an episode of Seinfeld in which Elaine is dating a saxophone player who is, for whatever reason, not interested in giving her certain actions in the bedroom (they never name it, but it’s understood to be oral). When she finally convinces him to change his mind, his first try is apparently lackluster, because we later see Elaine reassure him “You just don’t need to try so hard.” After this humbling, his saxophone paying is reduced to squeaky nonsense.
I kept thinking about Elaine’s line when I watched “It: Chapter Two.” They really didn’t need to try so hard. I think the phenomenal success of the first “It” kinda freaked the filmmakers out, because the sequel feels like them punching and kicking in every direction, frantically hoping something will land. Which is tragically ironic, because the “It” formula is so great, and the cast they’ve assembled so strong, that all they really needed to do was put the pieces in place and let them go. This is a movie that should’ve practically made itself, but instead it feels like the creative team overthought it and tripped over their own feet. The result is still fun, but less powerful than its fantastic predecessor.
The “It” movies are not purist horror in any sense, which is why horror nerds don’t like them. They’re popcorn crowd-pleasers more akin to a carnival haunted house than, say, “Hereditary.” The first one was savvy enough to round up a fantastic cast and get the hell out of their way. There was nothing fancy about it, and at times it was tropey and dumb, but its charms were overwhelming. Bill Skarsgard was fantastic as Pennywise, and the Losers Club were a blast to hang out with. Nothing else mattered.
“Chapter Two” also assembles a great cast, from James McAvoy to Bill Hader and Jessica Chastain. But this time, director Andy Muschietti and writer Gary Dauberman seem dead-set on mucking things up. Huge plot threads get introduced and never paid off. Nothing anyone does makes sense; even by horror movie standards, these people behave like complete idiots. I’ve never seen a movie about growing up where the adult versions of the characters behave far more stupidly than their kid counterparts. Big ambitious set pieces are haphazardly chucked at the screen until nothing affects you anymore. CGI becomes a crutch (which feels even more pronounced when they explicitly acknowledge Carpenter’s “The Thing,” one of the great practical effects masterpieces). “Chapter Two” repeats the weakest elements of the original, yet abandons the things that made it great. It’s baffling to watch; is this really what they thought worked the first time?
Perhaps the worst crime, though, is how Bill Skarsgard is shoved into the corner and denied the chance to expand on his character. He’s in the movie, sure, but not nearly as much as he should be, and the moments he does get feel undercooked and bland, like Muschietti’s heart wasn’t in it. They tease pieces of his backstory but pay off none of them, leaving more questions than answers (and not in the good way). They hint at the rage and embarrassment Pennywise feels, but go nowhere with it. At one point, Pennywise kills a character totally unconnected to the plot, and the death has no relevance to anything. I was racking my brain to figure out why they had included the scene at all, when I suddenly realized–with a sinking feeling–that it was the best scene in the movie, and one of the only moments that felt in step with the original. That’s why they included it: because without it, they were criminally low on Pennywise being Pennywise.
Oh, and the schmaltz is just suffocating, “Chapter Two” is drowning in voice over, all of it loaded with cliche phrases like “Sometimes, JUST sometimes…” and “Be true to yourself.” It hammers you SO HARD that it feels like the filmmakers are screaming in your ear: “BE WISTFUL, DAMN IT!! ARE YOU WISTFUL AND NOSTALGIC AND BITTERSWEET BUT HOPEFUL YET?!!”
Despite all this, “It: Chapter Two” isn’t a bad movie. A tremendous cast, some good dialog, and a handful of solid set pieces ensure that a fun time pushes through all the noise. I munched my popcorn and jumped and laughed, which means they did their jobs. I’m just frustrated because I feel like Muschietti and his team made their job harder than it needed to be, then doomed themselves to failure. I wish they’d trusted the magic inherent to a great concept and good actors and got out of their own damned way. They forced this one, and in doing so made it lesser.
I think I hear a squeaking saxophone.